Decisions Decisions

“Why is it that any one decision always seems too small to be the biggest decision of your life?”

We make choices every day. Some make more than others. As parents we get bombarded with questions, endless questions. At times I feel like I’m playing a game of trivia and failing miserably. I don’t know everything despite what my children may think, but what I do know is that thousands of tiny decisions have brought me to where I am today.

I’ve been a single parent for 4 years now. That used to sound scary, but now it sounds comfortable. I know what to expect, I set my schedule, I dictate what’s for dinner and if I am going to do laundry today or not! What I don’t dictate is who I love, how I love, and how long I love. I have met some amazing people over the past four years, created new relationships and said goodbye to others. Each person crossed my life at a different time and brought life lessons to me. It wasn’t always easy and I have said before that I am terrible at dating, but I’m good at recognizing my faults and moving forward. I have no filter, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my friends and family always get a vote of approval.

As much as I love being independent, it’s over rated. Sometimes I ask myself if I am capable of sharing my life again. Of sleeping next to the same person every night and allowing someone into this safe and secure life I’ve built, or rather a life I have recovered. Divorce IS SCARY. It involves sleepless nights, heartburn, a lot of self-reflection, taking one day at a time and never knowing what to expect next.  It wasn’t easy escaping the darkness and I realize I have built walls, but I am certain there is someone who will help me remodel. I pray there is. Someone who will make me feel safe so I can open doors and not be petrified of who I am letting in.

What scares me the most is allowing myself to be vulnerable. I’ve been over trusting and naïve.  I’ve also been guarded and jaded at times since experiencing divorce. It changes you. It makes you strong, but it makes you cautious. Like anything else, you become different from an experience.

What I know for certain is in a partnership there will always be struggles, you just have to pick who you want to struggle with. Eyes wide open (my heart available but guarded) I press on. I date, I learn, I listen, I grow.  I know you can’t allow the people you love to determine how you love. I also know that love can feel scary. I tell myself with fear comes bravery and with bravery comes reward. Every day I put myself out there and try to be brave because I know the reward is a four letter word that is felt and is far better than I could ever describe. If you are on a similar journey, please know that you are not alone. You have taken thousands of steps and made thousands of decisions to become the person you are today.  Have you every heard the saying “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall into place? I happen to believe that with my whole heart.
xo Alyson

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