A new year and motherhood butterflies

untitledEvery year when the children go Back-to-School I get a mix of emotions. I feel butterflies in my stomach. It feels like a fresh start to a new year. I have always based the “new year” on the school calendar since I was a little girl. It just feels so structured and the fall brings in cool weather and change. The past week I’ve found myself debating my role as a parent. My children are in Second grade and Kindergarten. How did that happen? Motherhood seems overwhelming at times. I question: Am I making the best choices for my children? Am I giving them enough of my time? Are they happy? Am I the mother I always planned on being?  Am I the mother in the grocery store bribing their child with a lolli-pop to sit still? Am I the short tempered, cranky, tired mother because I am juggling too much?

The truth is…. I don’t know the answers to all of the questions that circle my mind.  What I do know is that I am the only mother I know how to be.  I didn’t know what this journey would be like and it IS always evolving. What I know is that being a mother has made me more patient, but at the same time a little anxious. It’s made me questions every decision I have ever made. Every action as a parent and a person has a reaction and that’s not debatable.

You know what else I’ve learned? The PAST IS NOT THE PAST. I have read dozens of quotes on social media that reference “the past is the past” or “don’t look back because you aren’t going that way.” I’m sure I have even posted a few, myself. The truth is our past shapes us and our future. IT IS WHO WE ARE! It’s why we feel the way we do. It’s what makes us unique and different.

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to put my past behind me. Focus on the forefront. However, I must admit that I’ve struggled with that. What I am realizing now is that I’ve had to sort through my past to feel my future. To know what I want and what I feel is best for my children and I. Some days I think I know and others I am back to square one. I am overwhelmed, but I AM HAPPY. I am a mother. I am a full time caregiver, chef, coach, chauffer, friend, teacher, tutor, and playmate. I’m on-call 24/7 and you know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way! My eyes are focused forward and my heart filled with the past, present, and future.

I am sending positive vibes and well wishes to all the parents who sent their children off to school today. It doesn’t matter if they are in Kindergarten or college, our babies are our babies! Time is precious and it flies. Make the most of who you love and what you love. xo

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